It Has Been Two Months

           As most of y’all know I am very sick, and I have been for the last two months. I have no idea what is wrong and neither do my doctors. All I do know is that it is getting worse. These last two months have been extremely difficult. Many people have asked me if I have documented my journey, and I realized I haven’t. Now I know the reason for me not doing so is because I don’t like to talk about my struggles or myself. I mean I’m the first person to jump up on stage and be in the center of the spotlight but that isn’t the real me that is just a stage character I play. Actually talking about yourself makes you very vulnerable. I want to be vulnerable. I have decided, that from here on out, my blog is going to be about my struggle for finding answers and my walk with the Lord. With that being said….

Two months is a very long time to be in the dark. I still remember when I first noticed I was sick. I was auditioning for the Nutcracker and I could tell something wasn’t right. I felt like my brain and my body were two different people, that refused to listen to each other. I wrote it off as exhaustion but then I had a friend and a teacher text me later that night to ask if I was alright, and then the owner of the studio asked my mother if I was ok. That was the moment I knew something wasn’t right. I look back and I promise I did not see this journey happening. After that I couldn’t dance anymore, I was too sick. For the next three weeks I didn’t go anywhere unless it was to doctor appointments. I wasn’t trying to become a shut in. If you know anything about me, you know I’m Tigger. I’m always smiling, having fun, and jumping around! Since this started though my movin and a shakin has come to a halt. It wasn’t too long after all this started which I thought about swallowing a bullet. I can look back into my journal and see the struggle I had with it. There is literally a page of me talking to God about either He needed to end my life or I was going to. Luckily God held onto me and helped me work through my feelings. This journey has been very hard. I go to my dance studio every Friday and Saturday (as long as I’m feeling well) to watch my company classes, and depending on how I’m feeling decides if I dance or watch my Nutcracker rehearsals. I must sit on the floor and watch as everything goes on around me. I used to be a very intricate part of getting the Nutcraker together and have many of roles. Now I’m giving some of them up because I don’t want to represent the studio in a bad way. I also have to watch my friends struggle with me being sick. That has probably been the hardest part.  It hurts them to see me like this and I can’t do anything about it. It worries them I might die. Even my brother has told me,” Kaleb I don’t know what is wrong with you so I’m going to cherish every moment I have with you.” Talk about a tear jerker.

Two months is a long time to learn. God has taught me so much. For one I now know what depression fells like and what is going through your head when you are thinking about committing suicide. Which by the way I have already been able to use in helping someone work through their feelings and if your reading this thank you again for giving me a chance. I have learned acceptance and what surrendering actually means to me. I have found out that the revelations God has given me in this time have helped others work through bad weeks. I have been able to grow deeper friendships with my friends. They have helped me to persevere through very hard times. You know who you are and thank you so much for everything you have done for me! I have also been able to help others who are going through a similar struggle to my own and those who our struggles have absolutely nothing in common. God has given me a new found passion for counseling others to the point I want to make it a career choice. I have actually seen Him grow it in the past two months for instances interpreting dreams and helping a couple work through relationship struggles.

These last two months I will not lie they have been very hard. I have tried very hard to keep a smile and pretend everything is ok but I can’t anymore and I think that is God’s plan. I’m amazing at being fake but real that’s hard. I think He’s “breaking” me so people can see Him. There is a song that goes, “The more broke you are the more His light shines through.” That is my goal. I am only human but God….. He’s eternal. He can do much more through me than I ever could on my own. I have decided I’m not going to be fake. It’s not healthy. I’m going to be real and show people how I really am feeling so they can see Him. I’ve already seen His hand through this situation. Sure it’s been rough but I wouldn’t change it for anything. If I can help just one person see who God really is then all the pain, I’m going through is worth it. People always ask, “If you could change your situation would you?” To answer that question, no I wouldn’t. God has made this journey so amazing and so very beneficial! I’m content with whatever happens. Whether I die in the next three months or I go on to live for eighty more years. I can’t wait to see what He has in store for me.