Another Chapter Begins

I didn’t think this post would see the light of day, but I had to get these thoughts out. Do note these are raw emotions. Be prepared for what you read.

I was a dancer. Please don’t try and correct me about it’s *am and not *was. I have had to say goodbye to that life for now. It’s not who I am any more as much as I wish it was. The dance floor used to be my home but now……it’s my past. I really don’t know what to write. Even if you know me you don’t know how much dancing meant to me. It’s what I thought about when I woke up, when I fell asleep. Everything I saw reminded me of a different move I could try. From statues to action movies they all reminded of dance. My life will NEVER be like it was.

Let me back up and tell you what was going on before I became sick.

I was a boy who had just turned 17 and decided after a trip to New York for a dance intensive, that this was the life I wanted. This was the life I loved. After talking to my company director she said she knew I was ready and that she had just the company for me. Still being a minor she wanted to discuss the details with my parents. From my perspective the director was sure I was a shoe-in for a spot. It was a company that toured the world in dance, acting, and singing, which are all things I excelled at. Then I got sick……………. and my whole life burned to the ground.

I’ve heard so many doctors tell me “Oh, we'll get you back there.” Don’t lie to me. I know my body. I know it’s not safe. I don’t need false hopes. I was already walking through the professional dance door when God slammed it shut, and it fell on top of me. I don’t know how I should even feel! 

A wise woman told me that God has anointed me. -------------Well maybe I don’t want to be anointed. This life is hard and it’s not what I wanted. I wanted the life in the spotlight. I wanted to dance until my feet bled. I wanted to inhale so much glitter from the costumes my X-Rays lit up like a Christmas tree. I didn’t want the life of having more drugs than an actual drug dealer. I didn’t want the life of having a go bag that’s more prepared than an EMT’s. I didn’t want this life but God chose this life for me and I don't know why.....

I don’t know why he shut the door for me on dancing when it was obviously something blessed by him. Why would he take away something I love? I didn’t think that was His plan. I thought we were on the same page....

But do you know what I forgot? My God did not leave me. (Hebrews 13:5) My God has and will always love me. (Romans 5:8) He has a plan even if I can’t see it. (Jeremiah 29:11) He has/will give me strength (Philippians 4:13) God will literally guide me, (Proverbs 16:9) I am important to him. (Luke 12:6-7) He knows every part of my wonderfully created body he gave for me AND He knows why I'm sick and what I'm sick with even if my doctors don't. (Psalms 139:13-14)

God literally has everything under control. I don’t have to do anything. Now if I could only convince myself of that.... 

I cried two days ago for about an hour and tried to walk away which doesn’t work very well after surgery. My body is constantly in pain and I want it to end. I don’t have the strength to go on anymore on my own. But I don’t have to do this on my own. I have a family who loves me and friends who do too.  I just need to remind myself that God has me and I don’t need to walk alone.

But I had no way of knowing

Just how hard this journey could be

Cause the valleys are deeper

And the mountains are steeper than I ever would have dreamed

But I know we're gonna make it

And I know we're gonna get there soon

And I know sometimes it feels like we're going the wrong way

But its just the long way home

Long Way Home~ Steven Curtis Chapman