I just don't know
This is literally my second Transparent Tuesday and I have no idea what to write. I have restarted this post like three times and read my Bible for some inspiration and……………………... it didn’t work. I still don’t know what to say, and it’s not like I can just not write anything. Last week I said I would and what kind of man would I be if I didn’t follow my word? I know I want to talk about my journey but nothing has really happened. I had a Lyme test done and now I’m waiting for the results. If that comes back negative I have to go on this antidepressant pain killer called Cymbalta which I really don’t want to because it’s a band-aid. I also say “have to” because I told God I would only take Cymbalta if Lyme came back negative. Like I said, I really and I mean really, don’t want to take it.The pain is bad and just getting worse, but pain is the way your body talks to you and tells you not to do things. My fear is if I take it I’ll feel great and make myself worse or become numb and get worse. So we’ll see.
On a higher note my baby sister was born!!!!!! Joy Eliana was born at 5:46 at 6lb. 12oz. And 19.5 in. long. She’s the cutest thing! This feeling never gets old. I still remember when Joshua (number two) came home. I was so excited. I was blessed with a little brother who became my closest, best friend. Now number eight is home and I’m just as excited! The Lord has blessed my family greatly. It’s times like these that makes me want to be a father. I cannot wait to have kids of my own. I can’t wait to come home from work and smell the food on the stove that my wife has made and hear the kids scream, “Daddy’s home!” I dream about stuff like this which evidently, isn’t common. Why? When did being a stay at home mom become “Not using your full potential and letting men win.” When did kids become a burden? When did having a family become a battle zone? When did children and parents stop talking to each other? Why did this all occur? Children are a blessing. They are their parents legacy. Why do we not fight the stereotypical world and show them this? Why did……….. Ok I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I’m trying so hard to write something uplifting and happy and inspirational but I can’t.
I
am
numb.
I feel nothing except pain. I am so tired all the time. I stare at my phone’s blank screen wanting to text someone but at the same time not wanting to talk to anyone. I am sitting at my computer with no smile listening to the world around me go by like normal but without me. Everything has changed. Yesterday Joshua and I were fighting over who was going to hold Joy for pictures. I was riding on the solid argument that it is my privilege as the older brother but he believed since I haven’t worked these last two months that I gave that priviledge up. Some may see this as rude but I don’t. He’s telling the truth. I really can’t do much anymore and it hurts. I love to serve. I can volunteer for hours without every getting tired. (Ironically though if you pay me time goes so slow and I don’t like doing it.) Everything that I used to do or enjoy is pretty much over with. I have watched so much netflix that my grandchildren are all caught up on Supergirl. I swear if I spend much more time on the couch I’m going to go insane and have to be sent to a mental hospital. I need to be able to jump around and act spritely! The pain just increases every day. At first it didn’t, it was just steady and most of the time stayed at the same measurement of pain, but now it just gets worse. I’m not trying to give myself a pity party I’m just wanting to be transparent. I wonder what God will teach me through this numbness?
On a higher note my baby sister was born!!!!!! Joy Eliana was born at 5:46 at 6lb. 12oz. And 19.5 in. long. She’s the cutest thing! This feeling never gets old. I still remember when Joshua (number two) came home. I was so excited. I was blessed with a little brother who became my closest, best friend. Now number eight is home and I’m just as excited! The Lord has blessed my family greatly. It’s times like these that makes me want to be a father. I cannot wait to have kids of my own. I can’t wait to come home from work and smell the food on the stove that my wife has made and hear the kids scream, “Daddy’s home!” I dream about stuff like this which evidently, isn’t common. Why? When did being a stay at home mom become “Not using your full potential and letting men win.” When did kids become a burden? When did having a family become a battle zone? When did children and parents stop talking to each other? Why did this all occur? Children are a blessing. They are their parents legacy. Why do we not fight the stereotypical world and show them this? Why did……….. Ok I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I’m trying so hard to write something uplifting and happy and inspirational but I can’t.
I
am
numb.
I feel nothing except pain. I am so tired all the time. I stare at my phone’s blank screen wanting to text someone but at the same time not wanting to talk to anyone. I am sitting at my computer with no smile listening to the world around me go by like normal but without me. Everything has changed. Yesterday Joshua and I were fighting over who was going to hold Joy for pictures. I was riding on the solid argument that it is my privilege as the older brother but he believed since I haven’t worked these last two months that I gave that priviledge up. Some may see this as rude but I don’t. He’s telling the truth. I really can’t do much anymore and it hurts. I love to serve. I can volunteer for hours without every getting tired. (Ironically though if you pay me time goes so slow and I don’t like doing it.) Everything that I used to do or enjoy is pretty much over with. I have watched so much netflix that my grandchildren are all caught up on Supergirl. I swear if I spend much more time on the couch I’m going to go insane and have to be sent to a mental hospital. I need to be able to jump around and act spritely! The pain just increases every day. At first it didn’t, it was just steady and most of the time stayed at the same measurement of pain, but now it just gets worse. I’m not trying to give myself a pity party I’m just wanting to be transparent. I wonder what God will teach me through this numbness?
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