The Unseen Battle

When I started this trial  I prepared myself for a lot of things. I knew that dance was going to be out of the question for awhile. I also knew that life as I knew it would drastically change. What I did not prepare myself for is the mental battle. Ever since I was little I was always mentally strong, and keeping my composure was quite easy. As I’ve gotten older that skill has just become stronger. Now though, I can barely fight it. Only by the grace of God have I been able to continue smiling especially when I go to places such as: church, dance, work and many more. I truly believe that the mental struggle is actually worse than the physical pain. I’m worried all the time and very anxious. I’m very self concious about my friends. I worry that I could make them mad with something I say or do. After every conversation I evaluate it and spin it wrong in my head. I also am holding on to everything for dear life. Whereas I used to love change now it scares me. Out of all the things that I thought I would face, I did not think that battling myself would be the hardest. I know that when this is all over I will be much stronger but the road to becoming stronger is difficult. I don’t believe it is possible to travel down this road and not get bruised, cut, or scarred. At times like these I am reminded of a conversation that I had with my father many years ago. It went something like this…..

My father had just come home from work (I think I was 8.) and he turned to me and said,”You know they are making great breakthroughs in the medical field.”

To which I replied, “ Really? That’s cool.”

“They now have a machine that can erase some scars like the ones you have.”

Perplexed I asked him, “Why would I want to do that?”

“Because I wasn't sure if you thought they made you look bad.”

“Why would I think that? My scars are stories. Each one tells a little more about me.” then I ran off to play.

I wish that I still had that confidence. I will never be upset for my scars no matter how big or weird they may look, but this also goes for mental scars. Each one I can use to further preach the gospel and reach others for Christ. Everything we go through has a purpose in God’s plan. Nothing that occurs to us surprises him and ALL things have a purpose. I’m going to hold on to this for the next week as I fight this unseen battle.

I see my child, my beloved

The new creation you're becoming

You see the scars from when you fell

But I see the stories they will tell

You see worthless, I see priceless

You see pain, but I see a purpose

You see unworthy, undeserving

But I see you through eyes of mercy