My Prayer for Healing~Part 2

In my last blog I ended asking the question, Do I want to be healed? This probably sounds like a no-brainer to most people, but hear me out. My whole life has been in and out of hospitals. I may have only been disabled for the last year and a half, but I’ve been around doctors my whole life. On average, I would have a procedure or some sort of medical incident every two and a half years. I came to expect it. As a child, I remember thinking to myself, “I wonder what will happen next?”. Contrary to the present, when I was a child I always bounced back quickly whereas now, that is not the case.

I have come to expect the “couch life.” My body naturally gravitates towards the path of least resistance.  I don’t want pain or to feel bad and thus I have stopped fighting. Chaos and medical papers clouded my vision enough to distract me from the fact I had laid down my arms. I accepted my fate and gave up the fight.

Do I want to be healed?

Truthfully, I’m not sure. Being sick is my new “normal.”  It is a hard normal, but it is one I am most familiar with now. If I woke up tomorrow and I was completely healed I wouldn’t know what to do. My mind would race with uncertainties… Was I actually sick? Is this real? Will it come back? Will my followers still listen to me? Now that I’m better will my Dysautonomians resent me? What do I do now? What does my future look like?... These questions are circumstantial but they are ones that are dear to me. They are some of what makes me scared of being healed. I’m scared of the unknown…

Do I want to be healed?

Do I not have the same God? Has my family changed? The answer is a big fat NO to both. They are both the same. If I was to be healed I would not be abandoned. My God hasn’t and won’t leave me and my family would rejoice with me! Will people be resentful because I’m better and choose to ignore my story now?  Maybe, but the work God started in me will be finished. I am not supposed to plan future. My job is to simply follow God’s lead and do as he asks.

Do I want to be healed?

Yes. I want to be healed. I want to run. I want to feel the wind in my hair while I roll in the grass playing with my family. I don’t want to be shackled to a pill box anymore. I want healing.

Do I believe I will be healed?

No, no I don’t. As much as I want to say yes, in truth the answer is no. In Mark chapter 9 a centurion begs Jesus to save his daughter and when Jesus’ asks if he believes He can do it the centurion says, “Yes, but help me in my unbelief!” This is where my soul sits. I want to believe I can be healed, but I don’t. Doubt and fear creep over me and I do not have the faith that I will be healed. Why? Because I’m not perfect. I am broken and scared but Jesus still chose ME! I am loved. I am cherished. I am wanted. I am His. I am perfect. Surely the God that loves me this deeply, can help me believe in His perfect plan.

In the words of a wise woman I know, “Actions YELL louder than words.” I’m challenging both you and myself to put together a list of things you want to do when you’re healed. In addition to the list, you need to decide what healing looks like for you. As for me, healing means being 80%+ of who I was. If you don’t mind I would love to see your lists! Please mail them to Dysautonomian@gmail.com and I would love to dream with you!