One Step Forward, Two Steps back

Again, my world was turned upside down and with it my hopes. I had only been getting better for two weeks, only to get worse all over again.  For over a year now this illness has slowly taken the things that I hold dear. My heart broke when the pain came back. I knew almost immediately I would need another nerve block procedure. The life I was regaining, for the first time in over a year, was once again snatched away.

In the moment so many emotions poured through my head, but of them all, hopelessness and worry. Hopelessness in the thoughts that I wouldn’t be able to go to work, that the pain would never go away, and most of all in my future. Even in knowing the truth of where my hopes truly lie, didn’t stop me from listening to them. Worry also had its mark on my mind, worrying if I could ever be a father let alone a good one, worrying about my education and whether I could go to college, and most of all worrying if I held worth on this planet. They toiled with me and confused my mind. Playing with me like I was a ball that is kicked around.

It’s been a week after my procedure and the pain isn’t gone but it is leaving. I wish I could be excited but in my body (quite literally) I feel that I have just exchanged one pain for another. A pain that I am all too familiar with, but I doubt myself for fear of being a hypochondriac. Only time will tell.

I normally like to end these types of blogs with a positive spin or empowering ending but that won’t happen this time. Instead I’m going to leave you with reality. I’m not a fortune teller. I have no idea what will happen to me tomorrow or the next day, but I wouldn’t want to. If you know everything that will occur, then the adventure that is life is no more. Life isn’t about what you are given but what you make of it and I choose to make it a cake.