Pancreatitis Gave Me Back My Self-Image
I have dysautonomia and that among other things derailed my life and self-image.
Before I became sick, I was an avid 17-year-old athlete whose 6-foot-tall body was in perfect shape and weighed about 155 pounds. Though, once I became sick I was no longer able to keep up the rigorous lifestyle I once had. My body lost the muscle I worked desperately to gain but my weight didn’t change. However, over time my weight started to go up. It was easy to hide being out-of-shape, but I couldn’t hide the extra weight.
Flash forward a year and a half and now I’m 170 pounds. I know that I didn’t gain a lot of physical weight but in my mind, those 15 or so pounds could have been 200. Growing up I was always the skinny kid so gaining weight and not fitting clothes correctly smashed my self-image. I’d look in the mirror and be disgusted with what I saw. Beautiful/handsome is not a word I would have associated with myself, but soon my weight wouldn’t be an issue.
This last April my body became plagued with pancreatitis that would not get better. Misdiagnosed with proctitis I took my health into my own hands by listening to my body and eating a liquid diet. With either not eating from pain or my dinner consisting of some sort of liquid I quickly lost all that weight. In a matter of weeks, I was back to the weight I wanted, but it hit me…
I had to literally starve myself to make my weight goal.
The image I set for myself was an impossible task. I wasn’t overweight, but it took me starving myself to realize this. Why? Because my self-image was completely wrapped inside my physical attributes. I’m beautiful both inside and out, but I couldn’t see it. Over time our bodies change, and this means our weight changes too. We shouldn’t try to make our bodies go back to something that isn’t healthy for them. Both you and I must adjust our thinking to accommodate our changing bodies. My heart breaks for all those out there who thought like me. I promise it doesn’t do you any good. You are beautiful both inside and out.
Don’t be ashamed
To wear your crown
You’re a king
You’re a queen
Inside and out
~Britt Nicole Gold
Absolutely spot on and amazing topic. Chronic illness changes your body from the inside out physically, mentally and spiritually. We can only do what our body will allow us to. You are so wise beyond your years. I love your heart for living a "real" life and allowing yourself to be volnerable.
ReplyDeleteWhile I never went through medical issues like dysautonomia or pancreatitis, I completely understand the body shaming as well as the thoughts that go along with it! For about 2 years, 3 nearly, I was an anorexic, physically but also mentally too. I used to be 5'4" at 122 lbs (I was pretty athletic to boot) but fell to 85 lbs in a year. God helped me back with amazing people in my life, and I'm back to being healthy again, but the thoughts are something I struggle with all the same. A verse that really helped me and still does all the time is Psalms 139:14 "I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well."
ReplyDeleteThat verse reminds me that I'm perfect the way God made me to be. I don't have to attempt to compare myself to others and/or be someone I'm not. God doesn't make mistakes. He only makes beauty.
Thanks for sharing, and I'm glad you're feeling better!